• community chest: relationship lessons from the collective Black gayness

• by ryan sides: introducing SURF

• one thing i wish i knew earlier…

🫂 community chest

(I just learned that the emoji in this header is actually people hugging and NOT a film camera 🙃)
A couple weeks ago, I asked this question on Twitter and IG:

On one hand it’s a pretty superficial question not at all meant to, on it’s own, tackle the difficulties of intra-community dating as a Black queer person, and as Black gay men specifically. There are so many places that do a better job covering things like visibility in mass media, interracial dating and calling each other in for how we treat each other than this single tweet. But on the other hand, what I am interested in that the question thankfully opened up, is getting US to talk about how we’re growing and learning in our relationships, and making those things visible in hopes of encouraging more.

For me, one of the most sobering things I've learned about myself in current relationships is that I can rationalize and "process" myself out of experiencing my feelings. The work I've done to get to my current levels of self-awareness and honesty about my feelings is great. And so is the ability to understand and empathize with other people, including ones that have hurt me. But that's A lesson and not THEEE lesson.

Where that pendulum swings too far is when I interrogate, understand, and compartmentalize things away. A result of that, which I'd been completely unaware of until THIS YEAR (Father God...), was that I'd been putting emotional distance between myself and some of the people I love, by tucking those feelings away. People I care deeply about. And people I have relationships with were getting much more curated experiences of my feelings, instead of the honesty and vulnerability those relationships were supposed to be built on.

The uncomfortable solution is trying to be a less measured, less pre-packaged version of myself in moments where real feelings are involved. And also getting more comfortable trusting that the people I've chosen to be in my life are also capable of handling that responsibility with care. Trusting that they care about me as much and in the same way as I care about them.

A lot of my kinfolk had just as sobering and profound realizations about themselves that you can read here, but below I grabbed a couple of my faves:

👨🏾‍💻 by ryan sides

And since I’ve already kept you this long and duped you into being emotional with me, I might as well tell you what we’re doing here…

One of the more challenging things about carving out and defining your little corner of the internet, especially if you're of a certain age and not looking to be an influencer, is gauging how personal you're willing to get with the things you share online.

For me, recently, I've felt increasingly attracted to public (if still cautious) vulnerability; which is wild to be typing/thinking about right now. And not just sharing, but seeking. Having recently turned 35, I've been more and more curious about how Black and brown gay men around my age are tending their emotional selves as far as healthy dating, self-discovery, sexual exploration and the work of trying to find a happy and fulfilled life in the mess of all these pieces.

SURF is where I hope to do that.

With you. People that I know, people I want to know and people I know by relating through shared experiences. Even in keeping up with meds and in the care of a therapist I've personally tried by fire, riding the waves of my feelings is still a largely single person sport. And its ups and downs have shaken me far less than they could have if I didn't have friends, loves and the occasional nudge from the universe (through a podcast episode, youtube video, tik tok, newsletter 😌 etc.) at just the right time.

Mainly this is for me. In hopes of not feeling so alone sometimes, and also in hopes that the right things find the right person at the right time. Through it all, I'm trying to walk away every time being a little more honest with myself, you with you, and us with each other.

one thing i wish i knew earlier about DATING…

I’m not always 100% locked in with Todd’s advice because sometimes it feels a little too reductive for the sake of social engagement…but when issa hit, issa hit.